it's not easy living with me, I know. I'm the moodiest of critters, too often curled mollusk-like into my own shell, betimes bemoaning this or that or the whole kit n caboodle of my lot, tending to place blame for dissatisfactions wholesale on geography. poor chicago, it's not to blame for my malaise, ultimately. but I can sure make it sound like it. to live with me is to attend an ongoing litany of plaint (hi, een) and confected concoctions of how fabulous it would be to move elsewhere in one direction or another-- now closer to my family, now nearer friends, then away overseas, or what about just striking out behind the wheel across this great nation, no agenda, cameras and gazetteers in hand?
ah, man, I've missed my little ibook-- chris got it working again just last night and then was off to work super-early this morning, so here I lie, having my old type-in-bed time once more. an indeterminate brain is confronted by the opportunity...
honestly, I've felt a bit adrift without the tether of words composed here-- facebook brings something else entirely-- reconnections, semi-connections, a superficial sort of webbing, but webbing nonetheless-- it's brought me back into some form of contact with more than one lost friend, for which I'm enormously grateful-- but the writing medium is altogether different, requiring by custom if not strict technical limitiation (as twitter) a tendency of hyper-abbreviation. this tenor is most surely the coin of the realm more generally, but as an expressive form it does little for real mulling through-- my milieu. yes, I know, it isn't as if vox (or for that matter wordpress, blogger or, heck, my trusty paper journal) has gone away, only myself that has elected to neglect the form-- the medium itself remains available throughout my various distractions.
and to what do these distractions amount? little coherent cumulatively, I fear. there's me, always inclining to weigh and measure. recently here and there been torturing myself for no good reason with google searches for people I no longer need any connection with-- wretched, idle hands. I know better. well, at least the killing curiosity is soon exhausted with lack of any relevance, but it's a waste of energy. and other wastes as well-- time and self spent merely watching video, tuning out, dialling down the day. then there's been some good reading (margaret atwood-- and attending her gorgeous many-voiced book launch event downtown on friday). a weekend full of sleep, fighting off one of the many seasonal bugs flying around. glorious golden autumn days. car repairs etcetera.
adrift. diffuse. in need of locating a likely thread to stitch it all into some sense.
one thing tho: we've begun to plan weddinging for 2010-- in our own idiosyncratic way, with sites of celebration in chicago and northern michigan-- we've started sketching it out for ourselves, what's wanted, what's not wanted, how to accommodate the needs versus desires of those we love, how to make something authentic and real and delicious and right for ourselves, to relinquish any mar from the past's damaged expectations-- to begin anew, rightly and brilliantly, for ourselves.
so I may not 100% love my job every single day, but by golly it's nice having a puppy to snorgle in the afternoon sunshine.
...at work today:
in honor of halloween ghoulies everywhere:
Subject: Burn Baby Burn
How's the face my dear?
four little pork chops
squealing in a pan
flipped one over
grease flying out of hand
kissing her face a burning revenge
they got you back
in the very end
got myself good with hothot cooking oil splashed from the pan last night (dumb dumb dumb)-- lucky to have a fella around who's good in unpleasant medical situations (and who can also finish the cooking-- seared pork chops with a mushroom, onion, pear, white wine, and membrillo (quince) tequila deglaze-- delicious)-- but, vain girl that I am, I reeeally wanted to call in ugly to work this morning. wah.
hooray for beloved iowan greg brown's contribution to the ongoing (expensive, frustrating, at times utterly disheartening) battle against international mega mining conglomerates filching the resources from the ground and poisoning waterways in one of the few remaining true american wildernesses! (I'd embed the video, but it's important to actually go to the site)--
also please check out the MiWater - the Clean Water Ballot Initiative for michigan-- and pick your favorite body of water to tell a story about!
(and just a little geographically-related side note to my pals: please try to keep labor day weekend 2010 clear. kthanxbye.)
anyone? this is what I'm getting today:
after plenty of sleep (i.e. napful, easygoing, soul-spacious weekend), cellphone alarm starts playing jenny lewis at 6 a.m. hit hush, scritch puppy and fall back asleep. wake for good when it goes off again at 6:30.
rise, throw on sweats and sneaks, and drag puppy and feller from bed, grumbly and rumpled for walk in still-dark morning through autumn neighborhoods.
stop for coffee and lox-cream-cheese-bagels and chit chat with the guys at beans n bagels.
cross the river on the wilson bridge with sunrise.
100 situps on the yoga mat.
art play table for an hour or so and actually make a piece start-to-finish.
off to work with a fine happy head.
